you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
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It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
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Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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