Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
