this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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