I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
A bitchslap is in order.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
