He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
