im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
