Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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