Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
That's when you crack a 10am beer
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
