dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
