I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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