she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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