Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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