Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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