I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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