Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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