Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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