I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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