you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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