i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
