hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
