8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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