Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
