i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
