there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
