I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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