My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
