He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
