So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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