And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
