The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
