he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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