yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
