He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
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There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
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We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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