I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
