she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
