textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
