I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
