I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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