Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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