Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
