I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
