My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
