I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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