I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
