I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
