I can't breathe out the right side of my face
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
