I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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