You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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