my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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