Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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