My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize