My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
