i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
