is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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